Terrorized in Her Marriage

Ruth Tucker says she finally decided to write her new book when she saw a 2014 video showing NFL running back Ray Rice beating his fiancée in a casino elevator.

Before then, Tucker had been asked twice by an editor to recount the story of how she had been physically abused and berated over several years by her husband, who was a pastor.

“When I saw the video of Ray Rice, something clicked. ‘I've got to do it’ rang through my consciousness for days until I began writing the proposal and then sent it to the publisher,” said Tucker, author of Black and White Bible, Black and Blue Wife: My Story of Finding Hope after Domestic Abuse.

“It's hard to believe now that the book is out—and I've had such a positive response—that shame prevented me from writing the story earlier,” she said.

Tucker, a speaker and author of several books, will be be one of the keynote presenters at the Christian Reformed Church Safe Church Ministry Conference being held Nov. 3-5 at Calvin College in Grand Rapids, Mich.

In her new book, Tucker recounts her own story along with a discussion of how the Bible has been viewed over the centuries in addressing the issue of a woman’s place in marriage and society. She said some people have been critical of the book because it links abuse of women to a particular interpretation of the Bible.

“In the CRC and other denominations, women may think they have a ‘Safe Church,’ but customs die hard, and even in our churches many people still hold to the one-way submission of the wife to the husband,” said Tucker, adding that this submission can sometimes lead to abusive relationships.

Titled “We’re Better Together,” the Safe Church conference offers plenary sessions, workshops, and times of worship. Topics that will be addressed include “Digital Kids: How Technology Impacts Church Environments” and “Trauma Healing in Your Church.”

“The conference will be a valuable opportunity to network and learn from others, and also to imagine together, with the Lord, what safe church ministry could look like in your own congregation or community,” said Bonnie Nicholas, director of Safe Church Ministry.

Safe Church would like churches in the CRC to send representatives—especially those who have a heart for this ministry—to the conference.

“Who in your congregation has a compassionate heart and is willing to walk alongside those who have suffered abuse? Who in your congregation loves and cares for children and youth?” asked Nicholas.

“Who has passion and can connect with others in the community, joining a movement to end sexual abuse? Who is a ministry leader and may need to address issues of abuse?”

Besides Tucker, other speakers will be Ruth Everhart, a pastor and author of the book Ruined, in which she recalls how she was a senior at Calvin College when two armed intruders broke into the house where she and four others were living.

The men took the women hostage and raped each of them at gunpoint.

“I wanted to write a book that would stand as one woman’s testimony: we are all more than what happens to us,” she said.

“In some ways I’m sorry I had to write this book. . . . But I cannot change my history. None of us can. Instead we have to learn to love our histories, whatever they might be.”

Those who are interested in the conference but can't attend are invited to join in electronically as Safe Church live-streams two of the plenary sessions. Those two sessions will be available during and after the events, using this link.

At the Friday evening session, Tucker and Everhart will tell their stories and have a conversation with one another about how the church can better respond to interpersonal abuse.

The Saturday morning session will feature Linda Crockett, director of the Samaritan Safe Church/Safe Places initiative in Lancaster, Penn. Her organization works with a range of churches to educate adults about child sexual abuse and how to prevent it.