Safe Church Conference Encourages Action

Despite wintry conditions, the 28th annual inter-classis safe church conference brought together 50 safe church advocates, committee members, and others from across Ontario and Michigan interested in fostering safer church communities. The conference, organized and hosted each year by Classis Huron, took place at Waterloo (Ont.) Christian Reformed Church on Mar. 1.

After lead organizer Carel Geleynse welcomed participants, Amanda Benckhuysen, former director of the CRCNA’s Safe Church Ministry (now part of Thrive) and an ordained pastor and educator, led devotions, reflecting on Jesus’ parable of the good Samaritan. Acknowledging the soul weariness affecting many people because of recent shifts in society, politics, the Christian Reformed Church denomination, and the broader church, Benckhuysen asked, “How do we advocate and work for safer churches when we’re burnt out and weary?”

The gospel is full of stories about poor and broken people, Benckhuysen noted, and those days in which Jesus came to live and teach among us are not so different from our own. In that context, an expert in the law asked Jesus how to inherit eternal life, and Jesus responded with the story of the good Samaritan, who saw someone suffering and did something to alleviate the suffering (Luke 10:25-37).

“This was not a story of someone overthrowing systems but just doing small, unremarkable acts of love and care,” suggested Benckhuysen. She encouraged conference participants not to be overwhelmed by the idea of trying to change a whole culture overnight but to take small steps to foster healthy churches, to tend to the needs and hurts of the people right around us, and, by doing that, to further the work of safer churches.

“The work of salvation has already been accomplished; Christ will come again and institute a kingdom of no more tears, suffering, or pain,” Benckhuysen reminded her listeners. We can live in hope and joy for what God will yet do as we seek him, she concluded.

Keynote speaker Sheila Wray Gregoire, an author and podcaster on marriage, sex, and relationships, addressed participants next, offering a different perspective on ideas popular in churches today. She explained that after starting her career as an author and speaker on marriage and parenting, she began to read what other Christian authors and speakers were saying on these topics – and was dismayed by what she found. 

Writing about sex, some authors described men’s need for physical release, and women’s need for emotion – nothing about intimacy or pleasure, Gregoire noticed. She also noted that many churches, especially church youth groups, teach about dressing modestly but speak little about treating each other with respect; this attitude can place all of the responsibility for sexual purity and safety on girls and women.

Four things shape the culture of a church where safety and abuse are concerned, suggested Gregoire: how we talk about sex and gender, how we talk about sin and gender, our emphasis on salvation, and our willingness to have [or deal with] “blind spots” when abuse is discovered.

Thinking about safe church work specifically, Gregoire noted, “Safeguarding is important and nonnegotiable, but it’s not enough, alone, to prevent abuse.” She explained that if an abuser has been present in a church and that person has been discovered and removed from the congregation, it can be easy to assume the problem is taken care of, but if that person has fostered a culture of abuse, that still needs to be addressed.

A popular book series in Christian circles, Gregoire noted,  normalizes lust, saying that it’s something every man struggles with and that women need to interact with men in a way that deals with this. Gregoire explained that this view doesn’t lead to a healthy view of sexuality.

Being sexually attracted or noticing someone’s beauty is not the same as lusting, which is objectifying, seeing the parts and ignoring the person, explained Gregoire. Other books popular in churches today, she said, place the burden of faithfulness and even of safety in marriage almost entirely on women, encourage unconditional respect, blame women for failed marriages, and pressure women to “stay and pray” in abusive marriages.

The idea of “headship” in marriage can also be problematic, suggested Gregoire. Studies show that girls and women are more likely to experience abuse in churches that teach hierarchy in marriage than in churches that teach marriage as an equal partnership, she said.

Gregoire noted that, in contrast to some popular teachings about men needing respect and women needing love, studies show that men and women both need and want both love and respect, and that they can treat each other in ways that recognize those needs and foster growth. She also pointed out that, while churches that overemphasize modesty in girls as the key to pure and safe relationships tend to attract abusers, churches that foster healthy and respectful relationships will naturally be safer churches.

Churches can even overemphasize salvation, suggested Gregoire. For example, if a youth group continues to allow the presence of a known rapist in the group because “he needs to hear about Jesus,” the safety of every vulnerable person in the group is compromised. Steps may be taken to include someone in safe ways, where they never have opportunity to harm, but the safety of everyone needs to be considered.

Gregoire invited participants to discuss how we can increase respect for the personhood of women and children in concrete ways in our congregations, how to handle conversations about dress code in ways that don’t objectify, and how to teach about sex well and not become preoccupied with teaching against abuse and perversion. Some suggestions included honoring service in every role in the church rather than only in powerful roles, making space for people wherever their gifts lie regardless of gender or age, learning about how the world commodifies and objectifies bodies and teaching a different and better way, and treating each member with dignity. Gregoire also acknowledged that some conversations about sex and abuse are best had in small groups rather than from the pulpit.

Cheryl Daniel, a member of Hebron CRC in Whitby, Ont., said she appreciated Gregoire’s perspective. “I came as part of our safe church team to get more direction in revamping our safe church policy, but I’m walking away with much more than that. . . . I didn’t know anything about Sheila or her ministry before coming, but it gave us a lot of food for thought as to the sources of abuse, and the root causes, especially within the church: misinterpretation of Scripture, abuse of power. It’s given me a lot to think about.”

A day like this is important to make us aware of abuse and what resources are available to prevent it and respond to it, suggested Alice Visser of Collingwood (Ont.) CRC. “I’m not on council, but I’m very involved in church. It also helps us know that if you feel like your church is struggling a little bit, so are others. . . . [The conference is] a reminder that we’re here to serve as Christ came to serve, and to learn how to do that better, in relationship with others,” she said.

Afternoon workshops by Benckhuysen and by Thrive’s Julia Rathbun allowed conference participants to explore the synod-approved Code of Conduct for Ministry Leaders (2023) and to discuss how to create and implement safe church policies that work.

Indira Kramer, a member of Grace CRC in Scarborough, Ont., participated in Benckhuysen’s workshop on the Code of Conduct. “I think it’s really good because we’re all from such divergent groups. It’s good to hear of something like the Code of Conduct, something that unites us, and something that, like Amanda mentioned, ‘. . . is what we go to when this happens.’ We’re not like islands; we’re together in our faith and in the way we handle these things, and I think it’s good to have that because we need this communal body to deal with things like this.”

Hilya Persaud, also of Grace CRC in Scarborough, agreed, saying, “It emphasized for me how important safe church is – like the safe church community, safe church committees. You don’t have to figure out from scratch how to do these things; we have a lot of resources.”

Later in the afternoon, participants gathered together in one group again to watch the video For Our Daughters, from the creator of the book Jesus and John Wayne, Kristin Kobes Du Mez. Difficult to watch, the film presented stories from survivors of sexual abuse in churches, often by church leaders. In most cases, there was little or no consequence to the abusers, and abuse was allowed to continue. Victims became casualties in churches’ efforts to protect their reputation and power.

In a panel discussion after the film, Benckhuysen called the film heartbreaking, and asked, “What is stopping us from stepping up to counter abuse?” She continued, “It doesn’t feel like it costs to ignore abuse. It is costly to confront it; we need to be willing to pay that cost.”

A participant noted that although the film showed how churches should not respond to abuse, we can be left wondering how we should respond. Panelists suggested that repentance itself can become a sort of attention-getting performance, and that abusers should not be allowed to publicly repent until they have taken responsibility for their crime and the pain of the victim and have found ways to try to make amends. 

“A pastor who is truly repentant would resign,” stated Gregoire. A conference participant noted that in the CRC Church Order, sexual sin results in a pastor being deposed and losing ordained status. Gregoire noted that a repentant abuser can be restored to God, but that doesn’t mean they should be restored to ministry.

There is encouragement to be found, even in the often difficult work of fostering safer churches, said Benckhuysen. Even the ongoing existence of events like the safe church conference shows there are people who want to learn and to work for healthy communities, she added. By living out Jesus’ example, examining our lives in light of his calling, loving the people around us, and doing what we can, we can make a difference.